Broken, hurt, disappointed... I am so confused. I have attacked every road block standing firm in faith that God's plan is to unite us with this little boy. I have held on to faith that He would provide, especially when we are in our greatest need. We received news Saturday that we did not receive a Show Hope grant... this was our most "hopeful" grant to aid in our final travel expenses. After all, we are adopting a child with multiple, expensive medical needs and we already have a child with PKU. I know of families that have received grants for non special needs adoptions... families with a greater income than ours. If we had received an overwhelming amount of support through this journey, then I would not feel this way. It just starts to feel like no one feels like this is worthy... like Matthew isn't worthy or our family isn't worthy. To sum it up, my faith has taken a beating, and our failed attempts at fundraising just seems to confirm that we are not going to get our son home. As another holiday without him happens this week, I can't help but feel like I have failed him. Like I didn't try hard enough or work hard enough. I manage to get all of 4 people to sign up to buy a shirt... I manage to sell one candle and two ornaments to the wealthiest people in Brentwood... I manage to make about 10 appliqué shirts... and have three yard sales that reach a combined total of under $600... which barely put a dent in the $34,000 cost of this adoption. We have reached our out-of-pocket limit... in excess of $24,000 spent so far before travel. I am desperate, but I am worn out. I am tired of asking... I am tired of the disappointing results of every effort... I don't want to feel this way. I want to have the strength to stand firm in faith that God does want this little boy to be our son and that He will make a way, but my spirit is crushed and I can't help but wonder if we have made it this far because of stubborn persistence and retaliation against the obstacles that God has placed in our path. I know this isn't the right attitude to have, but I am too hurt to have the right attitude at the moment. Maybe it will pass soon... maybe God will send a miracle to prove me wrong and to prove that this adoption is His will, not just our own. I could really use prayers... I am in a bad place right now.